Hymn of self-aggrandisement

I AM EXPERIMENTING
WITH MY CAPS LOCK KEY
I WANT TO WRITE
ALL IN UPPERCASE
LIKE ALL THE COOL
ONLINE LIT KIDS DO
[I am not a cool online lit kid
I am thirty-seven years old
With bad skin and wonky eyes
And a bad case of social dread
But enough about me]
SO YEAH CAPITALS
THIS IS WORKING
I COULD GET USED TO THIS
AND NOW, NOW, NOW
NOW I HAVE TO
BIG UP MYSELF
THAT'S THE RULES, SO:
I AM UNRELIABLE
I'M NOT SELLING IT, AM I?
ERM, OK, MAYBE NOT
MAYBE I'LL BIG UP
PIFFLE INSTEAD
THE FIRST RULE OF PIFFLE
IS THERE ARE NO RULES
THE SECOND RULE OF PIFFLE
IS TO PLEASE REFER TO
THE FIRST RULE
THE THIRD RULE OF PIFFLE
IS TO STOP BEING ANNOYING
AND ASKING FOR THE RULES
ENOUGH ALREADY
AND NOW I HAVE TO
WRITE SOMETHING
OH GOD, I CAN'T DO IT
I HAVE PERFORMANCE ANXIETY
ABOUT WRITING IN CAPITALS
PLUS
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE
I MEAN, REALLY
A REALLY BAD HEADACHE
I'M GOING TO GO AND LIE DOWN
WITH A MOIST TOWELETTE
ON MY BROW
SO THAT'S IT
I HAVE FAILED
AT BEING COOL
I AM NOT COOL
DAMN AND BLAST
OH, WOE IS ME
WOE, WOE AND THRICE WOE
RIGHT, THAT'S IT
AGAIN
DON'T TRY AND STOP ME
I'M GOING NOW
REALLY
YOU CAN'T STOP ME
NO, YOU CAN'T
GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD
I HATE YOU ALL